dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Rumble strips road head = magical
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
