this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i think im in europe. pls send help
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
