They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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