I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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