Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
