I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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