Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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