you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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