and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
