End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
