All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it was like eating out sand paper
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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