my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
