so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
