cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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