I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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