When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
