while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
