i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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