guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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