I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
