My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
