I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
