I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
