I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
