If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
