Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
