If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
cat food counts as protein by the way
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
