you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
