the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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