I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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