Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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