If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
