i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It all started with a game of naked twister.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
