Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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