Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
