I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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