So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
