You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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