I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
