Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
