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He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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