After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
