We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
