btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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