I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
