Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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