Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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