I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
