I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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