I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
