I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
